When I look back on my life I see it musically.
The people who influenced me or lifetime highlights often taking on a specific genre or artist. The story of my life appears as an old-fashioned (now hip) vinyl LP with its grooves revealing a new transition and introducing a new song. I always have. It makes sense to me in my weird eclectic way. Music has always been an integral part of my life. Often saving me from my darkest moments. Music is a close and dear friend. It only makes sense that it titles my life's chapters.
For instance when I think of my mother I think of Judy Garland, or Big Band - anything from the 40's really. When I hear Judy Garland though, I think only of my mother. My father was country music. Twangy country music. God awful twangy country music. My childhood is gospel music. My teen years is Barbra Streisand. My ex husband is Elton John. Throughout my life music has titled it highlights. The album of my life continuing to grow - perhaps now a double LP.
It seems obvious that these last few years would be considered the Eva Cassidy era. Her music giving me inspiration and the urge to return to the stage. To pursue the dream held in the recesses of my heart for so many years, aching to come out but too afraid. Afraid of the boundaries or fences I saw all around me. Fences that with a little effort were fragile at best. One or two swift kicks and they fell or will fall, and if they don't I can just climb over them. I can see that now. But then I didn't.
A couple of weeks ago I was over at Bill Sample's home. We were songwriting. I have to say I love songwriting. At the moment the lyrics flow from me with relative ease. More than likely from a lifetime of being pent-up, screaming to come out, but too afraid of those darn fences. You know the ones. The "you're not good enough" fence. Or the "You're too old to just be starting out" fence. Or the "you have nothing to say" fence. Or the "who is going to like what you have to write?" fence. Oh I have miles of fences. I've been allowing them to be built my entire life. I like green pastures though. I love open spaces. I no longer want to be held in a paddock and contained. I want to run free. So, I have opened myself up to inspiration and let the lyrics, or painting, or playwriting or whatever may inspire me on a given day, let it fall where it may. It's not always perfect (actually it never is) and that doesn't matter to me. Creating is what matters. Just the act of doing. Making something. Keeping that integral part of me alive. So back to Bill's place. I was telling him about my odd way of looking at my life. My personal LP of Cayla. I said I feel as though I am moving out of the Eva Cassidy section of my life. And once I said those words I had this wonderful feeling come over me. For the first time I realized this particular section of my life was mine. For the first time it was my voice. My song. My music. My words.
I am so grateful to all of the influences I have had over the years. They have taught me so much. They have helped to shape who I am and have become. But now it is my time. My voice. What an extraordinary feeling. A foreign feeling for me, but very exciting. Very inspiring